Why We Stay Stuck, and How to Break Free

Inside each of us is a "preferred self" that compels us to live in chronic rejection of who we are, while the path to freedom can only begin from accepting "what is."

Chronic pain of any kind - physical, emotional, relational - presents us with a paradox: to break free of these patterns that drag us repeatedly into the same relentless miseries, we have to start from a place of honest acknowledgement and acceptance of what is.

We can’t change what we’re unwilling to accept.

At the same time, acceptance without action is not enough to create the meaningful change we seek.

Herein lies another paradox: most of us are more than willing (too willing!) to “do whatever it takes” to eliminate our pains. To become the architects of our own freedom, our actions must be chosen by conscious thought that aligns with reality. If our actions derive from thoughts that align with our denials, delusions or fantasies instead of reality, we will stay exactly where we are: stuck.

Stuckness is a symptom of living in delusion.

I’ve been here a million times in my own life; there’s no shame in it. It’s part of the human condition, and the sooner we accept this the sooner we can break free.

When it comes to pain, our actions are typically driven by reflexive impulses; instead of choosing our actions thoughtfully (in alignment with reality), we are in re-action to what is. Reflexive actions are driven by subconscious impulses originating from deep within the psyche, a confusing underworld made of entirely subjective (and often contradictory) stories, beliefs and feelings. Following the many rabbit trails of the psyche only leads to retracing the same well worn paths over and over; despite our best attempts to carve a new path, we arrive at the same juncture we encountered yesterday, hopelessly lost in the labyrinth.

There is only one exit from the labyrinth: thinking with [love for] what is.

Only with new thoughts can we direct our will towards new actions; and new actions are what is needed to create a new body, relationship or world.

If you’re currently living in a body, relationship or world that is causing you pain, and you wish to do something about it, you can; the longings within you to experience more freedom are valid, calling you towards a higher ideal.

The question is: what is it that you can do right now?

(And: why aren’t you doing what it is that you can do?)

Today I want to give you a new perspective on stuckness as a phenomena, and how to break free.

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A word about readiness:

A newborn baby isn’t ready to walk or talk. Six year olds aren’t ready to drive a car, and teens aren’t ready to make life or death decisions. Human beings naturally progress through various developmental phases, which don’t stop when we reach adulthood.

Not all adults are ready for the responsibility of parenthood, political office or starting a business, for example. (Not that this stops some people, but that’s actually my point).

Likewise, not all human beings are ready for the responsibility that comes with whatever freedom they’re seeking.

As long as you’re truly ready for the responsibility that comes with your next level of freedom (which exists beyond the familiar confines of who you have been up to now), the simple tools I’m sharing with you today will work; sometimes miraculously.

Readiness, however, isn’t something that can be faked or rushed.

“When you're ready, nothing can stop you. If something's stopping you, you're not ready.”
~ Drew Gerald

Have you ever tried to pressure a lover who was ambivalent about marriage or kids into ‘readiness’?

Unfortunately, I have; it created a lot of pain for both of us and resulted in what will likely be a life without children for me. Unwilling to accept a man as he was, and the relationship for what it was, I fostered a state of chronic misery by living in the delusion that if I just tried hard enough to change things today, then tomorrow both the man and the relationship would be what I wanted.

Resistance to “what is” (along with all attempts to change whatever it is we refuse to accept) signals our rejection of it. We chronically reject ourselves, our pain, our bodies, our parents, children and intimate partners. Rejection is painful, so it’s no wonder that the pain we reject begets yet more pain.

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Why we stay stuck:

This is so simple, and yet it is a paradox, which breaks most brains. I’ve already given you the answer, but I’ll spell it out even more clearly.

There is “what is.”

✦ You, as you are.
✦ Your body, as it is.
✦ Your partner, as they are.
✦ Your relationship, as it is.
✦ The world, as it is.

Then, there is the ________ you would prefer.

▶ The self you’d prefer.
▶ The body you’d prefer.
▶ The partner you’d prefer.
▶ The relationship you’d prefer.
▶ The world you’d prefer.

For example, if you’re anything like me, you probably want some version of:

✦ A self that is fully expressed and 100% authentic.
✦ A healthy body that is free of pain.
✦ A partner that is loving and kind and accepts you as you are, instead of someone who is shut down, angry about everything or super controlling.
✦ A relationship that is playful, full of mutual effort and free of dramatic conflicts.
✦ A world that protects the planet, puts people before profit and is free of war and violence.

What we would prefer is NOT reality; our preference is NOT “what is;” by definition, these preferences (if we confuse them with reality) are delusional.

No matter how much we might want things to be different, a body in pain is a body in pain; our partners are who they are; we are who we are; the relationship is what it is; the world is the way it is (today).

We stay stuck because we choose our delusions over reality in the hopes that our delusions will become reality.

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How to break free:

1. Accept “what is.”

2. Name “what is” (without telling stories about it, or making it mean anything).

3. Feel the impact of “what is.”

4. Acknowledge that “what is” is reality (because it is), and that reality cannot be fixed or changed; to think you can change reality is the definition of delusion.

5. Choose ONE specific, personally meaningful and measurable “freedom to” (more on this in a moment).

6. Write down everything that is currently in the way of you owning or embodying this “freedom to.”

7. For every item on the above list, write down one simple, incremental practice you can implement TODAY that would move you ONE INCH closer to your goal.

8. Take action.

9. Assess your progress (daily or weekly is ideal), changing your practices when you outgrow them or decide they’re not actually helpful.

10. Start over from step one if you catch yourself falling back into delusions or reflexive actions.

The above process gives the three basic elements of the human being a “job” to do, unifying these three aspects (which are otherwise prone towards conflict with each other) to act on behalf of your new mission.

The three basic elements of the human being are thinking, feeling and willing. We think, we feel, and we act.

According to neuroscience, about 95% of our every day is spent thinking, feeling and acting out our automated survival programming. To change, we have to manifest something new out of free will. To will something out of freedom, our actions must originate from thinking that is free.

Thinking with reality is the first step towards developing the kind of thinking that is generated from our most essential and spiritual self, or “I” (individuality). The secret to freedom lies in doing what we can do right now, which is only possible when we are thinking with reality.

If you want the freedom to run or hike (and pain is currently in the way), there is something YOU CAN DO TODAY that will move you closer to that goal.

If you want the freedom to cultivate healthy intimacy with a partner (and too much conflict is in the way), there is something YOU CAN DO TODAY that will move you closer to that goal.

If you want the freedom to be and express your true self (and fear of rejection or chronic people pleasing behavior is in the way), there is something YOU CAN DO TODAY that will help you inch closer to that goal.

The reason this process works is, in part, because you are now orienting towards something you want, instead of moving away from something you don’t want. I’ve guided many people through this process, and there is a common instinct to declare something like “the freedom to not be in pain.” Or, people say things like “I want to be someone who isn’t so angry all the time.”

To chase the absence of a thing is delusional.

To pursue something we don’t currently possess is called making a goal. To expect the goal to manifest merely because we want it to is delusional. Any meaningful goal will likely require work, effort and sacrifice.

The thoughts we think and the work we do are now based on the goal, rather than trying to change reality (which is impossible).

To name something YOU CAN DO TODAY - that you know (or believe) would move you ONE INCH closer to your goal - and to take that action, is to think and act in alignment with reality.

If you find yourself not taking action or arguing for your limitations, then you are in the grips of fear of freedom (and perhaps, you’re simply not ready).

Fear of pain and fear of freedom are the two poles we swing between when we are lost in the labyrinth of the subjective self (psyche). Human will that is directed by the many conflicting impulses of the soul (fear of pain vs fear of freedom) will ensnare us in never ending loops.

To extract ourselves from this maze, we must elevate our thinking and learn how to “think with” [love for] reality. Instead of rejecting reality, we can cultivate love and reverence for all of it. Love and reverence will open most locked doors.

Objective thinking that is in alignment with reality is the only kind of thinking that can put us on a path of freedom, because it directs our will appropriately.

Additionally, we must understand the nature of the body, where the psyche dwells:

✦ Courage feels like fear.
✦ Breaking familiar patterns feels dangerous and wrong in the body.
✦ Venturing into the unknown (where freedom awaits us) often feels like a black abyss of terror.
✦ Interrupting neural pathways can cause nausea, tension, overwhelm or intense fatigue.
✦ Letting go of the old self so a new self can be born feels like death.

When we think the thoughts of the body, we are not free.

Then, there’s the fact that not everyone in our life will love who we’re choosing to become (which means they are not free, either). We’ve all been programmed at the nervous system (psyche) level by the human world, from parents and peer groups to doctors and “trust the science” slogans.

When we think the thoughts of society, we are not free.

Instead of trying to change any of these realities, however (because we can’t) we will cultivate reverence for what is and work with devotion to our ideals, allowing what is old to die away when it’s ready, which won’t require any effort on our part.

One day we’ll wake up and realize we possess a body that can perform the activities we want it to; that our relationship is capable of moving through conflict with ease; that the world at large is a little more loving; that it wasn’t so hard after all, and happened faster than we thought it would.

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The magic of “the freedom to.”

”Freedom to” is not to be confused with “freedom from”, and this one frame changes everything for those who are ready.

Most of us want freedom from pain; freedom from confusing relationship conflict; freedom from war and violence; freedom from poverty; etc.

Prolonged suffering triggers our subconscious impulses towards anger, blame, victimization, fear, hatred, judgment, impatience, intolerance, addiction and spiritual bypassing, to name a few patterns of the psyche. Longing for deliverance, we seek relief by any and all means, often convincing ourselves that we’re “willing to do anything” as if that’s a positive trait. (It can be, but it can also be the primary impediment to the real freedom we long for).

The “freedom to” process is something that I used intuitively in 2011, when I pursued the freedom to trail run after 8 years of debilitating knee pain. I wasn’t seeking the absence of pain; all of my efforts were focused on the freedom to run and hike again, and it changed everything for me. Since it worked so well for me (I was running and hiking again in a matter of weeks), I started using it in my private practice. The majority of clients who declared a specific, personally meaningful and measurable “freedom to” achieved it. Clients without a “freedom to” who insisted that all they wanted was to get out of pain, well…they rarely made progress.

For the past decade, I’ve only worked with clients who are willing to declare a specific and measurable goal (“freedom to) to base our work on. The “freedom to” process is an integral part of the Kinetix methodology, because it is both curative and diagnostic in nature.

If you’re willing to admit that there is always something you can do today that will move you one inch closer to that goal (rather than believing you need to fix or change “what is”), then you can get unstuck TODAY.

If you’re unwilling to do what you can do today, then at least you know that you are the primary impediment, since your freedom is not dependent on anything outside yourself. And instead of rejecting your unreadiness, maybe you can love and accept yourself as you are, which is the first step towards freedom anyway.

Let me know in the comments below what your current “freedom to” is, and one thing that you can do today that will move you one inch closer to your goal. I’ll meet you there and share mine. 🌟

With love,
Elisha