Self Censorship and The Epidemic of Social Assumptions
To heal our diseased social world, may we summon the courage to face our fears of rejection and abandonment.
This is a follow up to The True Cost of Hiding Your Real Self.
"Why did you say that?" I asked her.
She replied "The way I said it was definitely provocative. I guess I was testing you, to see where you stand on this issue I care so much about."
"I would appreciate being asked directly, instead of being provocatively tested," I stated.
Something in her relaxed as she settled into a more comfortable seated position in front of me. Her eyes lit up, she sat forward and said:
"Ok. I'll ask."
Last week I wrote about a conversation I had with a friend of mine that gave me an (uncomfortable) opportunity to interrupt a very old pattern of mine: self censorship.
Silence becomes implied agreement, and for most of my life I've allowed friends to assume that I agree with them when it comes to emotionally charged topics like politics and political correctness, feminism and the #metoo movement, racism and social justice.
Are you jumping to any conclusions about me based on the above?
Most of us are quick to make assumptions, and slow to question them.
Entire relationships, social trends and political movements have been built on a foundation of unquestioned assumptions. The last covid era is powerful proof of that.
When a friend of mine doesn't ask for my opinion directly, I assume she doesn't want to know my thoughts (which triggers feelings of not being seen or valued, fears of speaking up and assumptions about what might happen if I do); so I don't volunteer my opinions, and she assumes I agree with her.
This kind of "relational safety" comes at a cost: when I censor myself I experience jaw pain, digestive issues and systemic tension to name a few. If the self censorship becomes chronic (when I'm aware of my behavior and how awful it feels, but don't do anything about it), I tend to experience lymph stagnation and chronic inflammation, worsening digestive pain that turns into a distended painful belly, foggy consciousness and intense fatigue.
Not to mention, I suffer from lack of self respect and miss out on the opportunity to experience being known for who I really am within my relationships.
This friend, someone I've known for 30 years, said to me "I just can't be friends with anyone who doesn't believe in systemic racism."
She was getting emotionally charged as she told me a story about the recent end of a decade long friendship.
Instead of speaking up, I got quiet and bit my tongue. My self censorship wouldn't last long, though, because I've reached a point in my life where I am compelled to be myself; to be honest about who I am; to risk rejection, abandonment, judgment etc for the chance to know and be known; to be free.
Ten days ago I reached out to this friend and asked if we could talk about that moment, and that topic. She was eager to confront this issue together, and we scheduled another Zoom date (we don’t currently live near each other or we would do this face to face).
I started by telling her that our friendship means a lot to me, and that it's really important for me to be my full self within the friendship. I admitted that I censored myself during our prior conversation, that I've had a history of doing this with her and I am not willing to do that anymore.
"If we're going to be friends, I want to know you; and be known" I said. And then I asked her why said said what she did. Which is when she admitted that she had been testing me.
"Ok. I'll ask."
"Do you believe in systemic racism?" she asked.
I felt relatively relaxed, but my pulse definitely quickened and I felt a surge of anxiety in my belly. This friendship means so much to me.
"Before I give you an answer, can you define ‘systemic racism’ for me?" I asked. "I don't jump on political bandwagons or social trends just to get moral brownie points. So - what exactly do you mean by 'systemic racism'?"
Laughing loudly, she said "Oh my god, I am so with you. I hate when people use issues like this for moral posturing, post their social media memes and then 6 months later they're nowhere to be found and don't seem to care about the issue at all. Thank you for not doing that."
"I guess 'systemic racism' is a catch-all phrase for everything I've learned studying restorative justice the past two years," she said.
To which I replied "Well, I haven't studied this issue like you have, so I wouldn't know what I'm agreeing to. Can you be more specific?"
What ensued was a wonderful two hour conversation that revealed how important this friendship is to both of us, the fear tactics we've both used over the years to avoid getting to the heart of matters that might cause friction or the possible end of this relationship, and the fact that most of our core values are totally aligned.
Our real fears had nothing to do with the topic.
I was afraid to be myself only to be rejected; she was afraid I wouldn't be supportive of the work she's doing that's very personally meaningful to her.
At the end of the conversation, we both shared that we felt closer to each other than we have in a long time.
My body experienced a lot of relief afterwards. The jaw pain, systemic tension and brewing digestive issues all subsided.
By speaking up in moments like this (there have been plenty lately, not just this one), I'm training my nervous system to operate differently; to categorize self censorship as the real threat, and being myself as a necessary risk to enjoy true soul and spiritual freedom. Being myself is the only protection I want. I've made a commitment to myself that no matter what, I will not reject or abandon myself.
True physioligcal vitality - marked by the ability to cycle naturally between sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system states - comes from this inner knowing; never from anything external.
Since 2008, I've worked with thousands of people in pain across all walks of life, and in that time I've learned one very important lesson:
People who are in integrity with themselves heal and regenerative quickly.
Those who are out of alignment with their essential Self struggle with chronic pain and/or dis-ease.
Since the soul and spirit of the human being are the creative animating force behind our physical existence, it makes sense that our bodies would express the pain of chronic self suppression of our free spirit.
I decided to share this story with you in case you're in need of examples of HOW to break these patterns; how to speak up; how to have healthy conflict and be yourself in your relationships.
Maybe, like me, you never saw healthy conflict resolution modeled when you were growing up. Maybe, like me, you witnessed a lot of yelling, defensive language, ultimatums, assumptions, blaming, belittling, threatening or attempts to ignore relationship problems in the hopes they will simply go away.
Healthy conflict is something I have had to learn, seek out, and am still learning.
The #1 takeaway I hope you get today is the danger of assumptions.
I had no idea that my support meant so much to my friend, or that she was even questioning whether I supported her or not. She had no idea I was self censoring while secretly wanting to be known and fearful of rejection.
These two patterns have been with us for over a decade. We were the best of friends at one time and lived together for years, until she began testing me provocatively. Declining her invitations to fight, I retreated into silence and confusion. We declared our friendship dead a year later. (We reconnected in 2018).
If she had simply been direct...
If I had simply been direct...
But we can't go back.
We can only be here, now.
Assumptions protect us from our fears and strip us of the possibility for true intimacy and connection.
Curiosity could cure all that ails us as a species. I truly believe that.
These two principles apply equally to the body - we make all kinds of assumptions about our bodies; we jump to conclusions; we start telling stories and before we know it, a simple ankle sprain turns into a life sentence; or we take a diagnosis as gospel and don't even bother to get a second, third or fourth opinion (or question it altogether).
How can you be more curious about the people in your life? About yourself? About your body?
Are you willing to put aside what you think you know about other people, yourself, your body and the world, and have the patience to meander towards the deeper truth(s)?
I hope so, because this world needs more people who are quick to be curious and slow to make assumptions.
With love,
Elisha