Running The Gauntlet: Take Off The Blinders And Embrace The Adventure Of Your Life
Fear of pain and fear of freedom work together to keep us stuck. Devotion to a chosen ideal helps us meet the tests, challenges and obstacles as they appear - without turning back.
Dear friends,
Are the important actions in your life driven primarily by inspiration - or pain?
Be honest.
This bit of self awareness will be immensely helpful in consciously orchestrating your life in such a way that you are constantly moving towards what it is your soul and spirit long for most. The alternative is to let the natural evolution of life take its course while you remain a passive participant. No matter what phase of life you are currently in, you know exactly what that means; and I’m betting that thought stirs a certain terror in your soul.
Few among us are driven primarily by inspiration, because deep down inside what we all fear most is walking a path of genuine freedom. If we allowed inspiration to take hold of our will and move us into daily action, we would have to face aspects of ourselves - and the world - that we would prefer remain at the periphery of our awareness, or banished from it altogether.
Instead, most of us are content to let life carry us along a predictable, habitual path until some kind of pain interrupts our sleepy existence with its palpable, inescapable alarm call.
Whether the pain comes in the form of sudden injury, illness, the death of a loved one, a relationship rupture, financial hardship, political unrest or ecological disaster, when it arrives - if we’ve been going through the motions of life vs meeting every day with presence and deliberate action - we will likely feel blindsided.
Blindsided
adjective
sports: tackled, hit, or attacked by an opponent on the blind side (out of the player’s field of vision)
attacked critically or taken by surprise where one is vulnerable, uninformed or unprepared
If we want to live a life of freedom, we’ll need to take off the blinders.
Very few events in the course of our lives would truly surprise us if we had been paying attention the whole time.
Whenever I’ve been betrayed, for example, I can examine my own soul nature and (if I’m being honest) admit that I betrayed myself for a long time first.
Pain, illness, relationship ruptures, economic stress, political upheaval and even ecological disasters rarely occur as spontaneous events. Instead, they build up slowly over time; it’s just that we are so committed to ignoring the many small warning signs that we push them aside, pretend they’re not happening, hope they will simply go away, pretend that someone else will take care of it all, or - in the case of the majority today - escape reality via distraction.
These behaviors are symptomatic of fear of pain.
Fear of pain manifests as:
🔹 Numbing ourselves with drugs, food, sex, social media, etc;
🔹 Ignoring or shutting off communication with the source of pain (the body, a partner or child, the planet, etc);
🔹 Adopting coping mechanisms like enduring pain (this is you if you have a “high pain tolerance”); brooding in self victimization stories where the blame is placed on someone or something else (a defective body, neglectful parents, god etc); wallowing in self pity and self hatred; externalizing the pain with anger, judgments and violent behavior towards others;
🔹 Jumping into action to “fix” the pain without any attempt - first - to understand its origins and root causes;
🔹 Becoming someone who is “willing to do anything” to heal, often characterized by going from one practitioner and possible solution to the next without much success.
Pain of every variety is trying to wake us up and get us to take our blinders off.
Pain is an attempt from an ignored body, forsaken life partner, suppressed soul or mistreated planet doing their best to bring us back into right relationship.
To be in right relationship with our own body, soul and spirit; with our family, friends and larger community; with this planet we call home and the billions of inhabitants that also rely on her for existence…we must be willing to turn towards pain with a courageous intent to seek the truth; with the humility to make ourselves students of whatever pain is being expressed; and with a fortitude of spirit that allows us to move through all the pain in this world towards the highest ideal: healing and freedom for all.
The freedom to ___________.
When you know exactly what you are aiming at and you have a framework for navigating the path forward, then no matter how murky, uncertain and unknown the path itself may be, every obstacle you encounter turns into an opportunity.
Above, I described fear of pain and its accompanying behaviors.
Fear of pain will always have us scrambling for relief by any means.
True freedom is about cultivating the competence and capacity to move towards an inspiring vision with sufficient devotion to the goal that no obstacle will deter us.
One of the primary mindsets I’ve had to overcome in my own life, that I see so often in my clients and students (especially those who feel the most stuck), is the orientation of seeking “freedom from.”
Reacting to pain from a place of fear, we tend to seek deliverance from it.
Declaring an inspiring goal - the freedom to _______ - changes everything.
First of all, we are probably going to feel immediately emotional; then vulnerable; and if we’re not in command of our consciousness, the habitual mind is likely to chime in with all the reasons we can’t or shouldn’t or won’t be able to _______ (insert your inspiring goal).
And if you’re like most people I work with, this orientation shift may even break your brain so badly that you find it difficult to even identify and declare a singular, specific and inspiring goal. Which is symptomatic of fear of freedom.
Like I mentioned at the start of this letter, most of us are far more afraid of freedom than we are of pain.
This is because the pain is familiar, and we know (maybe not consciously, but we do) that whatever it is we want most will cost us something; we know exactly what it will cost us, and we may not be ready to run that gauntlet and make those sacrifices.
For example:
If you want the freedom to cultivate healthy, reciprocal and loving relationships, it will cost you your fears of rejection, abandonment, judgment and banishment from the tribe; it will cost you the social survival strategies that have - up to now, anyway - protected you from whatever it is you fear most (ex: you may have a sense of false belonging with your family and current friends, but at least you’re not totally alone!)
Even scarier, you’ll have to let yourself be seen: as you truly are. You’ll have to be honest, vulnerable and willing to set boundaries. And you’ll need to reciprocate, which means allowing the people in your life to be honest with you (even when their honesty triggers you), willing to honor their boundaries, put your own ego aside and learn the art of negotiation.
Subconsciously, you know: it is possible that you will do all of this and still be rejected.
Perhaps scariest of all, when you seek the freedom to ______ (insert whatever goal inspires your imagination and will to act), you are placing yourself squarely in the seat of authority and responsibility. Whether you succeed or fail will be entirely on your shoulders, and there is no harsher critic than the one residing in your own mind.
Can you live with yourself if you go for it and fail?
Can you love yourself if you don’t?
Fear of freedom manifests as:
🔸 Overwhelm
🔸 Procrastination and perfectionism
🔸 Self sabotage
🔸 Promising yourself you will “start tomorrow” (when you could start today)
🔸 Inability to choose and pursue ONE goal at a time
🔸 Hesitation to take action and lack of follow through
🔸 Attempts to predict outcomes before taking action
🔸 “What if” fear stories (“what if this makes my pain worse?” “What if my partner leaves me when I start setting boundaries?”)
🔸 FEELING STUCK
Running the gauntlet to freedom.
Last week I shared some of what has been coming up for me on this trip to Colorado after declaring “the freedom to move” a few months ago.
After two years in southern California, there was no denying the pain of staying put (it wasn’t inspiration motivating me!)
Physically ill, socially malnourished and geographically constrained, my soul and spirit knew the truth: I longed to move back to the only place I’ve ever felt at home. The foothills of the Colorado Rockies were calling me back. Unable to admit this to myself, my mind made up all kinds of stories about why it wasn’t a good idea.
Instead of boldly declaring what my heart already knew, I had to trick myself with a cover story: I would take a trip there! And if, on that trip, I got the clarity I needed, then I would make the decision to move.
Making this half assed decision gave me all the clarity I needed.
Just thinking about the trip and starting to plan where we would go, what we would do and who I would reach out to, my spirit soared and my heart ached with an undeniable longing.
One thing I appreciate about myself (yes, I am appreciating myself aloud and I wish more of us did this!) is that once an inspiring vision manifests itself in my consciousness, I take immediate action towards the goal; and I trust myself to persevere and persist in aiming at the vision, no matter the obstacles.
First was the obstacle of a binding lease agreement with my landlords in California that I had just re-signed in May.
Then, there were the innumerable financial obstacles.
Next, there were some deeply ingrained social fears related to the way in which my leaving Boulder back in 2018 had triggered long buried childhood traumas.
Finally, there was the insane housing market. It’s not uncommon right now for people to spend six months looking for housing here.
Along the way, the real obstacles revealed themselves:
All kinds of fears, stories, meanings, doubts, worries and beliefs took hold of my body and mind, attempting to control my behavior through the automated mechanism of survival biology.
“Just wait it out here in California and move next May. At least you have a roof over your head.”
“What about The Human Freedom Project? You just launched it. You can’t move right now.”
“You should probably take this condo even though you don’t love it. The landlord is awesome, you haven’t found anything else and you leave in 2 days.”
“What if I don’t find anything? I might have to move back in with my mom….”
It is impossible to convey in this short letter to you just how chaotic, frustrating, and surprising (there were some very good surprises!) the events of the past few weeks have been during my search for a place to call home.
One requirement for anyone who wishes to walk a path of freedom is the ability to sit with discomfort without jumping into action.
The key to freedom is the ability to hold when most people would fold.
✦ Can you hold your ideal vision in front of you with unwavering devotion?
✦ Can you hold the discomfort of uncertainty as to how on earth your vision will become reality, or even if it will? Because nothing in this world is guaranteed.
✦ Can you remain steadfast to walking the path you’ve chosen even when you are weary, or find yourself staring at a seemingly impassable object that blocks the way forward?
✦ Can you hold yourself accountable to what it is you truly want - without compromising?
Friday afternoon, Stefan and I headed out of Boulder towards the mountains.
I had not secured housing, and there was only one place that I was waiting to hear back from: a colorful, light-filled apartment with bamboo floors that somehow felt both cozy and spacious. As soon as I’d stepped foot inside on Wednesday, I saw myself living there: drinking coffee on the southeast facing deck; cooking food for friends in the small but inviting kitchen; doing dishes while looking out at the flatirons; lounging on a comfy couch, tea in hand, laughing with a friend.
The landlords were satisfied with my references and great credit score, but they were hesitant about my proof of income (money ebbs and flows in very unpredictable ways as an online business owner).
For some reason, I’ve been deeply trusting of this whole process.
Trust is paramount to a life of health and freedom.
Self trust is just as critical as trust in anything “other” - the body, other people, life, god…They are reciprocal opposites that facilitate and inhibit one another.
If I don’t trust myself, you are unlikely to trust me.
If I don’t trust my body, can I ever be truly healthy?
Trust isn’t about outcomes.
Deeply rooted trust is derived internally, and it doesn’t waver when life events knock us sideways, or our plans don’t pan out as expected.
Here’s a helpful framework I use to develop self and world trust:
As long as I act in alignment with my conscience;
As long as I respect myself and my choices;
As long as I’ve done everything I know I can that has the potential to move me towards my goal…Then there is no bad outcome.
I will accept whatever happens and use it as a springboard for the next right action.
Running the gauntlet to freedom will test our mental strength; our moral will; our devotion to the ideal; our current levels of self and world trust; our tolerance for uncertainty; our capacity for rising above survival biology, which sometimes means taking a fearful, resistant or anxiety ridden body through whatever experiences must be moved through on the path towards a higher goal; and most of all, our ability to hold fast to the path, even when failure appears inevitable.
I left Boulder fully prepared to accept that I would have to move out of my California apartment without a new home secured.
Acceptance would come readily for me because I know I did everything in my power to find myself housing that would not only meet my personal needs, but my creative and work needs as well (where I work is even more important than where I sleep and cook and rest).
Sitting at a coffee shop with a friend in Golden, Colorado before we headed back towards California, I got the text:
“We are happy with your application and will be sending a lease over later today for you to review.”
My friend exclaimed with a bit of consternation “You’re the luckiest damn person I know! Grrrrr.”
As my friend knows all too well, luck has nothing to do with it.
When I know what I want I am simply willing to run the gauntlet with devotion to my goal; and I’m prepared to let go of the outcome. That last part is, in my experience, the most important part of the equation.
Attachment to outcomes clouds our perceptions, blinds us to reality and tempts us to act out the patterns of our childhood wounding and survival biology. Attachment to outcomes shows us where we are not (yet) free.
In the words of Rudolf Steiner, freedom is the ability “to live, in love towards one’s actions, and to let live, in an understanding of the foreign will.”
This is the guiding principle of my life.
I loved my actions the past few weeks, and I can accept any outcome because I can grant that same freedom to potential landlords who might deny my application.
While I am very familiar with the practice at this point, it is still very much a practice; and I often miss the mark. This time, however, I held fast; and found myself graced by reciprocity.
This whole process had me thinking about what motivates human action, and it is usually pain.
Motivated by pain, we sometimes get the message and decide to change in fundamental ways that lead to healing and freedom.
For many, however, pain is not a welcome messenger and it is met with resistance and fear; which typically leads to more pain. Often, we need to hit rock bottom before we will feel ready to aim up.
Inspired by inner vision, we summon the courage to step into the great unknown in pursuit of our highest ideals. Every human being who decides to walk this path will have to “run the gauntlet.”
The gauntlet will be unique to the goal and personal to each of us, but one thing is for sure: every gauntlet we choose to run will show us where we are not yet free inside our own body, mind and soul.
Whatever the goal, it is never guaranteed; we merely develop freedom on the path towards it.
Along the way, we gain practical life skills and acquire knowledge we wouldn’t otherwise have; we meet people we never would have met, and find ourselves in unexpected places doing unexpected things. We have stories to tell, and we can usually rest easy at night because we know we have lived each day deliberately.
Running the gauntlet can be the adventure of a lifetime if we choose to see it that way.
What is ONE inspired vision you hold today?
It could be the freedom to hike or ski, move to a new country or state, to develop a loving partnership or start a regenerative farm.
Whatever your goal, when you anticipate the inevitable inner battle between your fears of pain and fears of freedom, you won’t be blindsided when the challenges knock you sideways; you’ll be prepared. And while you may falter or hesitate or sit down on the runway to protest on occasion, you will ultimately know that the only obstacles are within.
If you’re experiencing physical pain of any kind right now, I urge you to turn towards the pain; to stop seeking relief or deliverance from it; and to instead search inside your heart and soul for the undeniable longings of your soul and spirit, and (without self censorship or judgment of the vision that manifests) let that vision pull you into immediate action. Even if it makes no sense and your “freedom to” goal is something like “the freedom to visit Italy” - follow it! It might take a year of planning and saving money to get there, but you might just find yourself eating Tuscan food under a blue sky talking to locals after two weeks of blissful travel when it hits you: the chronic back pain you’ve had for decades is GONE.
That’s really good data!
(The above is a true story from a client of mine who felt miserable in her life back home. Pain isn’t always about the body - it’s often a message from our soul).
Running the gauntlet is about gaining the self knowledge necessary to make better choices in all areas of life.
If you’re feeling inspired, please share your vision below along with an action step you will take today to move one step along the path to freedom.
As for me, I’m headed back to California to pack my apartment so I can once again make Colorado my home.
Until next week, friends!
With love,
Elisha
Thank you for your words to shed light on your current journey and encourage others.
It came at a timely moment for me. Blessings to you as you persevere.